I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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