true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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