We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
