remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
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