Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
