70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
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