last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
