he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Randomize
