I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Randomize
