OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
