My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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