He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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