She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Randomize
