She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
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