I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
