My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
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