You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
the raccoons are back...
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