u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Randomize
