I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
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How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
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Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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