two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
