I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Randomize
