we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
