i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
