We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
