I'll bet she douches with gravy.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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