I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
