Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
