I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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