I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Randomize
