So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
