I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
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He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
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there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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