Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
