Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
