I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
