I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Moan for me like Helen Keller
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
