i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
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