I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
