My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
