If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I checked into jail on foursquare
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
