New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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