WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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