I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
