I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
