She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
