Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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