I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
