I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Hello my rib-scented angel!
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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