She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Randomize
