What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
