When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
