I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
