Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Randomize
