life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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