I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
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