This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Randomize