im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
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