this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
